Faith-based principles to maximize your life today

The Long Road to Self-Discovery

If you’re anything like me, the last five years of your life have been extremely challenging. Watching the world fall to its knees from the pandemic took a toll on all our mental health and changed our perception of reality. For some, locking down in 2020 was the best thing that could have happened to them. They picked up new hobbies, binged watch TV and movies, reconnected with by themselves though nature and fitness, and even spark new relationships by sheltering in place together. For others like me, lock down felt like a prison, and I was left to deal with the reality that I was truly unstable mentally, physically and spiritually.

After my father passed away from brain cancer in March of 2020, I spiraled into a severe depression. The only things that kept me sane were the Lord God, and my unborn child. Although I had experienced a tremendous loss in the death of my father, the Lord showed me the greatest compassion by allowing me to become pregnant with my son. Without my son and the mercy of God, I can’t even fathom the person I would have become during quarantine with the grief I felt. To put things plainly, my father was my everything, he was my lifeline. As a certified daddy’s girl, I expected him to assign me my life’s purpose, and be there to mold and guide me along the way. Now, if you’re not a daddy’s girl, or a girl at all, that may sound weird. What I mean to say, is that I trusted my father’s guidance on everything. If I had an opportunity and he said it was a good one, I would take it without hesitation. If he told me to stay away from a certain thing, I would avoid it because I was certain he prayed about it and heard from God. When he went to be with the Lord, it was like my sense of purpose died with him. I was so attached to the vision of myself as my father’s lifelong mentee and future business partner, I never considered a life without him.

If you don’t have a close relationship with a parent, let’s put it another way. Picture this, its 1998 and you’re in the 5^th grade. You make a promise pact with your friend like we used to do in the 90s, and you swear that no matter what you are going to remain friends all though middle and high school, and then once you graduate you are going to open a joint business together. You’re smart, but your friend is the brains of the operation. For the rest of your school years, you have been waiting for the moment to leave school and chase your dreams. You both graduate, and for the next few years, you work on gathering the info you need to make your part of the business happen. You are eager and ready to get started, only to discover your best friend is sick, and suddenly you must put your plans on hold. You are worried for your friend but have high hopes they will make a full recovery because they have great faith in God, you never even considered that God “wouldn’t” heal them. You suddenly get a call one day that your friend was admitted to the hospital from their sickness, but they unfortunately didn’t make it. Image your shock and pain when you realize that not only did the plans you had for your life seem to die with them, but you are also left without a clear vision on how to move forward since you were only responsible for your part.

Once it finally sunk in that he was gone, the depression worsened though my pregnancy and hit its peak after giving birth. I was 100% under the influence of fear, it had its foot on my neck! I was plagued with thoughts to unalive myself, constant voices that im a failure and I’ll never be a good mother. I tried every other method of emotional regulation, but I could not get it together. Every morning, I woke up wearing the garment of depression, and sadly I wore it with honor. I sat in my depression, allowed it to breakdown every ounce of self-worth I had until I genuinely felt like putting my lights out. It was heavy, and covered every part of my body, but mostly my mind though brain fog and constant anxiety. When my son was six months old, I cried out to God with the most intense pain that he please come and save me. I had never cried that hard before, and I never prayed with such intensity. I begged and pleaded with Jesus to let me come back, of course not knowing he never shut me out. I didn’t realize this until much later, but I had shut God out by idolizing my human father.

The Bible says in Matthew 10:37 “Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.” Because I was so attached to my dad’s plan for my life, I shut my ears to the voice of the Holy Spirit. I put myself outside of his purpose for my life and suffered greatly for it. When I cried out to God, I repented for being running away, and I vowed that I would do everything I could to achieve the peace, joy and comfort that stems from a relationship with him. I always knew God, but I didn’t understand His ways or any principles of the kingdom. From 2020-2024, I spent countless hours in my Bible, speaking with spiritual mentors, and praying that God reveal himself to me so clearly that I would never turn back again. These blog posts discuss some of the life changing discoveries I made on my way back to Jesus.